Becoming Who You're Meant to Be: Models of Change & Competence

Change isn’t just about deciding to do something differently. It’s about becoming someone new — someone more aligned with your values, more at peace with your life, and more skillful in navigating the messy, beautiful terrain of being human.

In counseling, two powerful models often guide how we understand transformation: the Stages of Change and the Model of Competence. When woven together, they reveal not only when people change, but also how their understanding and mastery evolve over time.

Stage 1: Precontemplation + Unconscious Incompetence

“There’s nothing wrong. I don’t need to change.”

At this early point, a person may not even realize that something in their life isn’t working. They’re unaware not just of the problem, but also of what they don’t yet know — this is unconscious incompetence.

A person might, for example, lash out in arguments without realizing their communication style is harming their relationships. They’re unaware of the impact, and unaware that a different way is even possible.

What helps here? Gentle curiosity. Noticing consequences. Therapy in this stage focuses on expanding awareness, not forcing action.

Stage 2: Contemplation + Conscious Incompetence

“Something needs to change, but I don’t know how.”

Now the person begins to see it: Oh. This thing I’m doing… it’s not helping me. There’s recognition of the problem — and with it, the discomfort of knowing you don’t yet know how to do better. This is conscious incompetence.

It’s an emotionally tender stage. A client might say, “I know I withdraw when people get close… but I don’t know how to stop.”

What helps here? Compassion. Permission to not have the answers yet. Therapy supports reflection and values exploration to guide what's worth learning and unlearning.

Stage 3: Preparation + Beginning of Conscious Competence

“I’m ready. I want to do better.”

Here, the person starts planning for change. They may still feel awkward or unsure, but they’re building readiness. They begin to learn new tools, and they know they’re learning — every step requires effort and attention. This is conscious competence.

Imagine someone practicing healthy boundaries: they may script conversations ahead of time, rehearse saying “no,” and review how it went afterward. Change is effortful — and that’s okay.

What helps here? Encouragement and practical support. Therapists collaborate on building action plans, troubleshooting barriers, and reinforcing growth.

Stage 4: Action + Growing Conscious Competence

“I’m doing it. It’s hard, but I’m changing.”

Change is now visible — the person is showing up differently in real life. But the work still takes focus. Old habits try to sneak back in, and each new behavior feels like a mini experiment.

This is where conscious competence deepens. The person can do the new thing — communicate more clearly, self-soothe, speak their truth — but it still takes conscious effort.

What helps here? Validation and resilience building. Therapy reminds people that effort is a sign of progress, not failure.

Stage 5: Maintenance + Unconscious Competence

“This is just who I am now.”

Over time, the new skills become second nature. There’s less overthinking, less wobbling. This is the stage of unconscious competence — where change becomes integrated into one’s identity.

Now, the person is someone who sets boundaries. Who notices their anxiety and regulates it. Who speaks with integrity, not out of fear. They may still reflect on their journey, but the heavy lifting is done.

What helps here? Integration and celebration. In therapy, we anchor the growth and sometimes ask: “What’s the next frontier?”

Stage 6: Relapse or Recycling + Return to Consciousness

“I thought I had this down… but I slipped.”

Relapse is part of the cycle. Stress, grief, or life transitions can bring back old patterns. But now, the person is aware. They’re no longer unconsciously stuck — they recognize the slip and often have the tools to course-correct.

This is often a return to conscious competence — having to re-engage with effort, but from a deeper place of self-knowledge.

What helps here? Grace. Perspective. Therapy frames relapse not as failure, but as a return to the work with more wisdom and humility.

The Real Work of Growth

Change and learning aren’t clean, linear processes. We move through these stages many times, with different issues, over a lifetime. We loop back, level up, and deepen our self-awareness as we go.

But knowing where you are in the process — and honoring it — can make the journey more compassionate. Therapy offers a space to track your progress, name your needs, and celebrate your becoming.

You are not behind. You are not broken. You’re simply in motion — and that’s exactly where you’re supposed to be.